Thankfulness

Yeah, bed rest stinks, but when I think about where I was a month ago, I am immensely grateful to be here.

Five weeks ago I had just found out my cervix was shortening. A couple days after the appointment where I heard that diagnosis, I rushed to the hospital due to severe back pain. I remember Paul and I soberly discussing baby names in the car — if we were losing the baby right then, we wanted him to have a name.

I remember waiting for cerclage surgery the next day. I talked to the high risk maternal fetal medicine specialist and asked her if I even had a shot at survival for the baby. She said she was “cautiously optimistic”.

I remember talking to my friend Nancy before my surgery, who walked me through what would happen if my baby didn’t make it (it’s helpful to have a friend who logged time as a NICU chaplain and had a micropreemie of her own).

I remember a week later — 4 weeks ago — when the bleeding that should have stopped two days after surgery was still happening. I started to feel like the hemorrhaging woman in the Gospels, and I began praying that Christ would heal my bleeding as well. I was sent back to the hospital for observation.

And here I am, several weeks later. Still on bed rest, still a little scared. But I’m stable. No bleeding. No imminent labor. No hospital. And I am so, so thankful.