“I’m so far behind!” I complained.
My friend on the other end of the phone line chuckled.
I had been hit hard by a virus and found myself so fatigued that even reading seemed impossible.
My listening friend, who knows exactly how much of a workaholic I am, kindly let me list the ways I was going to fail as a mother due to my cold.
I was worried that being sick would throw a wrench in plans for birthday parties and room re-dos, grocery shopping and exercise. But more than the incomplete To Do list, I feared my mental state.
After a few days of being sick, I tend to get a bit depressed. This time was no exception. Soon I was drowning in the blues.
My cold meant I had to cancel fun plans with friends several days in a row. Until I had to skip those outings I didn’t realize how much I lean on time with friends to convince myself that I’m okay — that people like me.
And then the chores….the housework actually didn’t pile up around me, thanks to my kind husband doing extra duty with dishes and cleaning. But instead of being grateful for the help, I felt empty and jittery. Managing the house is MY role — what does it mean for me if someone else can do it just as well?
Crazy talk, I know. But the feelings of isolation and helplessness I get from illness strip me down to some core beliefs that I like to keep buried.
At the end of my long week, I sat and reflected on all the feelings of powerlessness-worthlessness-emptiness jumbled up inside of me.
And then I was given a gift.
I laughed.
I laughed at the revelation of my idols, my meaning-holders. I saw my week of illness transformed from a frustrating, futile few days to a gentle reminder from my Creator that I am more than a “human doing.”
Friendships and vocation can be beautiful, but they do not define me. And thank God, truly, that my worth as a person does not depend on the cleanliness of my house or the liveliness of my conversation.
I don’t know how long this lesson will stick. Goodness, if it didn’t stick after five months of bed rest I’m sure I’ll need reminders for a long time. So I’ll be thankful now for where I am today. And hopefully, the next time I’m sick, I’ll stop wallowing long enough to laugh.
