Anti-Advice

After the last post, a good friend asked me why I am so anti-advice. I think that’s a great question, so here’s a shot at answering it coherently:

I don’t think I am anti-advice as much as I am anti-unsolicited advice. I think that view comes from a desire for emotional safety and the need to learn to ask for help when it is needed.

A lot of time our culture tends to focus on “fixing” feelings that aren’t pleasant. For instance, if I post that I am sad, someone may offer suggestions for fixing the sadness. While the suggestions are well-intentioned, the sadness doesn’t necessarily need to be fixed. It may be a very healthy, appropriate emotion.

Or say, for example, I tell someone that I am really struggling with jealousy. Perhaps I am already working on that area of my life, and all I need is a listening ear and someone who will say, “Yeah, that’s tough.” If, instead of listening, the person gives me tips for fixing my jealousy issues, I suddenly feel like a problem to fix instead of a person to hear. That makes me feel unsafe, like anything I share will need to be analyzed and fixed.

Now of course, much of this has nothing to do with the person giving the advice and everything to do with how I receive it. And that’s okay. It’s up to me to set boundaries that will keep me safe emotionally, and sometimes that means saying, “Thanks, I don’t need advice right now.” Being able to set those limits allows me to open myself for deeper and more vulnerable conversations when I am ready.

The other side of this coin is the need to ask for advice when I want/need it. A lack of unsolicited advice leaves room for me to realize when I need help and to ask for that help. That is a hard thing to do, but it is a beautiful and empowering thing to realize that I need help and support from others and to ask for what I need. It is even more beautiful to admit my struggles to someone and find that, instead of receiving suggestions and fixes, I receive grace.

Lest I sound self-righteous around this topic, let me admit that I am a queen of unsolicited advice, which is probably why it bothers me so. I also will unabashedly give advice to someone in a dangerous situation (i.e. domestic violence), but of course my brain can go a little overboard when determining what is a life or death situation. Just ask Paul how many times I have delivered unsolicited advice concerning Ian because I am CONVINCED that his nap schedule will be the wealth or ruin of us. But all I can do is try to follow my own, ahem, advice, and offer grace whenever and wherever I can.