I hate feelings.
I was a good emotion-bottler for years. But once that stopped working (resulting in, you know, depression and anxiety), I actually had to DEAL with the things.
So for the past few years, I’ve been really good at analyzing my feelings.
“Let’s label this one fear, and put it in that box on the third shelf of the left bookcase.”
“Hmm, this one needs some extra work……I think I’m feeling this way because of that thing I read this afternoon….”
People will tell me how “self-aware” I am, but of course I know that it’s a coping mechanism. If I can name the emotion and determine the reason for it, I feel in control again.
Tonight I had some unwelcome emotions that really interfered with my evening plans. Out of nowhere I suddenly spiraled into a little bit of crazy. Maybe I just had a long day, or maybe it was hormones. But really, I had no idea. I couldn’t name the exact feeling. I didn’t know why I was feeling that way.
So I decided that since I couldn’t box away the feelings and stack them on a shelf, I would just feel them. So I just sat there. I prayed for peace. I felt what I felt.
And ya know what? I survived. Best of all, I didn’t add to my pile of feelings on the bookshelf. I really don’t need anything else to take to Goodwill, anyway.
I understand….
I know you do! Thanks for reading.