c-sectionWe have a beautiful community of moms in my neighborhood. When a woman is expecting, her friends gather around her, sharing the hope and beauty of birth. Many share stories of their water or home births or perhaps give the name of their favorite doula.

I keep quiet. My birth story is one for after. One for commiserating with the moms whose birth stories also weren’t as planned.

I’d hoped for a non-surgical birth with my first son. Things didn’t work out. He was big. My pelvic bone structure is small. After three hours of pushing we did an urgent but non-emergency C-section. Two doctors worked in tandem to get him unstuck.

Later, I second-guessed. Did I make the right call? I was induced — should I have waited? We hear so much about unnecessary C-sections — was that me?

And then I remember the gash on my infant son’s head where he couldn’t fit through the birth canal.

With my second pregnancy, I cautiously hoped for a VBAC. And then stuff happened. I pretty much had to be sewn together to keep Baby #2 cooking. Which meant — you got it — another C-section.

But somehow, this one was beautiful. The ground outside was covered with snow. The delivery room was warm and peaceful. Planned surgery with no labor complications meant the atmosphere was light and relaxed. After the baby was born they set him on my chest so I could hold him while they finished the surgery. Joyful tears clouded my first view of my second little boy.

The second time around, I made my peace with the scar on my tummy. Yes, I had two C-sections. I also had two living babies. Perhaps almost losing David helped me let go of my notions about what birth is supposed to be.

I hear a lot of discussions these days about unnecessary C-sections and medical interventions. I think those are important conversations to have. I love that more and more women are able to have natural births while knowing help is available if needed.

But I also need to stand up and say that I had two C-sections, and that’s okay. They weren’t unnecessary. They weren’t easy. They weren’t what I had planned. But my children are here, and I am so, so thankful.

And for any other C-section mommies out there, when you find yourself questioning — should you have hired a doula? Was the pitocin responsible? Just know — you rocked it, momma. You, your doctor or midwife, your team — you made the decisions that you and your baby needed. That’s all anyone can ask.