Waiting

I feel like “Waiting” is the theme of my life these years, perhaps the theme of God’s carvings in my soul.

I’m learning — slowly — to accept my powerlessness in certain situations and learning (still slowly) to surrender those situations to the One who is really in control.

Waiting.  A bed rest portrait by Paul Nicholson. I feel like the Lady of Shalott here.

The lesson started with bed rest. Oh, what waiting in five months of bed rest. Starting in week 17 of my pregnancy — will my baby live? Will he be in the NICU? What will happen? Things I could not control. A time of waiting and hoping and praying. And once I passed about 32 weeks, pretty much just waiting.

Then of course while I was on bed rest, my house was for sale. Would it sell? Could we buy the dream house we had found? Would someone without a contingency buy the house on which we had a contract? No control. Nothing I could do. Just lay there. And wait. And see.

And you know what? My baby lived. He didn’t need the NICU. I got to wait five months in bed to bring a beautiful full-term baby into the world. And guess what else? My house sold. I got to move into an amazing house with room for my new little boy.

And you know what else? I’m still waiting.

This summer it was waiting for school. Ian was unhappy in one school, and he was on the waiting list for another. Would he get into his new school in time for the fall semester? Should I look for other options? Should I take him out of school entirely?

And just when I had relaxed my grasp on the situation and started to trust a bit more in God’s plan, we got the call. Ian had gotten into the new school. He loves it. It’s a good fit.

And now I’m in another season of waiting. It’s a bit complicated to explain here, and I’m not sure that the solution is just around the corner, wrapped up with a neat little bow. This one feels like it has more learning for me……maybe this is a long-haul situation that God is using to make me a bit more like Christ. Hurray? I mean, I want to be like Christ, but gee this is…..uncomfortable. Maybe I’ll keep these dragon scales on me a little while longer.

I had some encouragement this week from a friend who was telling me about Habakkuk and how hundreds of years passed before the justice for which he pleaded came to pass. And that made me think about Abraham, who saw what was promised from a distance but did not receive it during his life here on Earth.

So….here I am…..learning again to live with the waiting.