Powerlessness

Every night this week, I’ve lain in bed and listened to my little boy cough, knowing there was nothing I could do about it. I wanted so badly to comfort Ian through his cold, but right now I can’t hold him or get up to wipe his nose or get him a drink of water.

Two weeks ago I watched as Ian fussed in his high chair, waiting for someone to rescue him from its confines. He was done eating breakfast and had dropped his sippy cup, and all I could do was talk to him soothingly and hope someone would come to get him soon.

My friends, I definitely have been feeling powerless.

I think powerlessness is the basic human state. We have very little control over what happens every day, despite our (or at least my) thinking. We are powerless, but not helpless, based on the grace of a loving God. But we are certainly not in control.

You guys, I don’t do powerlessness.

I am a total control freak. Have been one for as long as I can remember. I want the world to run my way and in my timing. I’ve been struggling with surrendering my illusions of control for years, but those illusions keep reappearing in my brain.

Perhaps this is a time God will use to show me a deeper form of surrender.

What I can tell you so far is that it hurts. I am devastated every time I can’t be the mommy I want to be for Ian. I want to be the one who does everything for my little boy.

And I have to let go.