Finding My Space

Does anyone else try to be small?

I’m 5’8 and curvy, and I’ve been that way since middle school.

Pictures from my teenage years show me slumped over, trying to be smaller. I didn’t want to stand out. It was too scary.

Even now, I’m scared to take up space. What if someone sees me? What if someone says I’m too big? What if I take someone else’s place?

Constricting myself into a tiny dot feels safe. If no one can see me, then they can’t hurt me. They can’t make fun of me. They can’t tell me I’m not good enough. If I keep my talents locked inside, then I can’t be criticized.

The other day a wise friend told me something else about staying small:

It’s exhausting.

Staying small sucks away energy and time; it takes and takes until there is nothing left for friendships or jobs or hobbies. Smallness demands I fold up tighter and tighter until l can barely function.

Enough.

My goal for this year is to find my space and live in it fully. I’m a little scared, because taking up space means visibility and vulnerability. It means taking risks, because I’m not always going to get it right. Heck, I’ll probably bump into someone else’s space and have to apologize. I might make a fool of myself.

But.

I might find that when I live in the space that was made for me, I can breathe a little easier than when I was that tiny dot. I guess we’ll see.